warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
You Might Also Like
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy