all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
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i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
How is it still this week?
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.