Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
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“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
Still a very good boi….
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
#polloftheday