“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
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Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.