Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
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Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
Ion see the issue
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.