Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
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Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it