Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
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Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Finally
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.