The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
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Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.