They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
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friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no