Roses are red
Violets are blue
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I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions