[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
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Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.