That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
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When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
I think my mom just blocked me
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!