[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
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Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Employees must applaud the planets.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain