What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
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Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Found my door mat
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.