Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
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ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.