[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
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Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Word!
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”