[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
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I just ran a .003048K
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.