Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
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My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!