[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
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wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
😲 WTF? 😆
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀