A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
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“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”