me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 馃檪
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Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you鈥檝e ever wondered about the joys of parenting
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
It鈥檚 so easy getting women wet, it鈥檚 refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
confession: my gang鈥檚 nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
forgive me baja for i have blast
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won鈥檛 get suspicious when you鈥檙e rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
ground deer meat in a bun鈥攃all that a Sloppy Doe
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don鈥檛 drink.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?