My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
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Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
True freaking story!
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
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-Octopus preparing for a fight
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.