Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
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After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
If a snake ate a cake
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
even bears disappoint their mothers
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
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