I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
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There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.