I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
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Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.