me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
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*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em