Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
You Might Also Like
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
“and how does that make you feel?”
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*