Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
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Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
I am patiently waiting for your email
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
first you must answer his riddles
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.