When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
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[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”