*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
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There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
They did not think through this water fountain
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
when nothing goes right… go left
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?