Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
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Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
Breaking news:
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.