Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
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When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?