tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
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All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved