Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
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Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.