*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
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A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me