My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
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*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home