Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
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If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.