Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
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when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
58.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions