A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
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[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
I am HOWLING at this
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling