My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
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The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
Explaining to the plumber that it鈥檚 a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don鈥檛 tell the kids about this spot.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
I don鈥檛 know if I鈥檓 dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don鈥檛 let anybody tell you differently
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I鈥檒l find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymn贸s” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
馃悹
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT鈥硷笍
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
How do dragons blow out candles?
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he鈥檚 on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
(team meeting)
boss: i鈥檝e always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to鈥xcuse me but what鈥檚 with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah鈥ince we dropped the mask mandate, it鈥檚 difficult to remember that my face isn鈥檛 covered.
boss: