Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
You Might Also Like
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus