Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
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Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds