Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
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If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Facebook memories be like
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
i’m still crying at this
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*