*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
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Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu