This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
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I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!