As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
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If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
oh shit
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat