a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
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I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
won’t smith
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
not seeing the problem
Personal question. #JustSaying
A bold strategy
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.