Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
You Might Also Like
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
nobody’s gonna understand