A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
You Might Also Like
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.