Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
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Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good